If you’re anything like me you both love and loath your communications devices. You love them because they allow you to connect with the wider world. You loathe them for the exact same reason.
OK, let’s not beat around the bush here – Those who don’t think technology has made today’s relationships more vulnerable are living in Cloud Cuckoo Land. I mean, everyone has so many “friends” nowadays. Think about that for a moment. Here we all are talking to people we would never have otherwise met if it wasn’t for the internet, yet the more time we spend talking to others, the less quality time we have for those who really matter.
In this article we look into the following six points of consideration:
- Is it ever okay to snoop?
- Why all the mistrust?
- This is not a new phenomenon
- The moral dilemma
- A socially unacceptable act?
- Spying made easy
So just who is everyone talking to anyway? And what is everybody saying, especially your beloved spouse? I guess there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to have a good snoop.
But is it morally right?
I think it’s fair to say that most relationships get off to a good start, it’s a time where there’s mutual trust on both sides. But no relationship stays fresh forever right? And if you suspect something’s going on, what harm is there with having a little peek at your partner’s online exchanges. If nothing else, you at least get to put your mind at ease. Or maybe you don’t. Perhaps you get to confirm your worst fears and that could leave you feeling just awful.
But is it right?
I suppose the ‘Ethics Squad’ would tell you that it’s absolutely wrong. They would say honesty is always the best policy. They’d suggest you ask your spouse outright if you suspect something. Well, I think that would cause more problems than it solves. All this does is tells your partner you don’t trust them. But what if there’s nothing going on, what happens then? Clearly, you’ve just set the foundation going forward for a distrustful relationship.
To Snoop or Not to Snoop, that Is the Question
As far as I’m concerned this is not a simple case of ethics. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for YOU! After all, we’re a long time old. If you’re going to age with the one sharing your bed, you want to have a solid and trusting relationship. If you can’t have that at least, then there’s no point to any of it, is there? There is nothing lonelier in this world than the solitude of a cold and reticent relationship. By the way, I talk from experience here.
Partners who snoop don’t usually do it as a spur of the moment decision. It’s something that builds up over time. There comes a point where they just can’t take the uncertainty any longer. Still, there is a downside to prying and there are always consequences, for example:
- You confirm your worst fears and are devastated and/or outraged
- You find nothing and feel terrible for suspecting your partner of foul play
- You find nothing but continue to spy anyway (you become a pathological snooper)
Why all the Mistrust?
There never used to be this level of mistrust in relationships, not back in granny’s day there didn’t. What has really happened, what is it that’s gone so wrong in modern relationships? I think it’s all about the technology. It allows us to meet and connect with anyone anywhere, from wherever we happen to be at any given time. People have gotten so obsessed with their communications devices, addicted even. Millennials have grown up with them. In fact, they’ve almost become a natural extension of the human arm. The downside is that couples spend more time interacting with others than they do each other. This “love” for the freaking mobile phone is the main problem as far as I’m concerned.
Snooping – Not a New Phenomenon
There is nothing new about spying and prying on a partner. Although there is more mistrust today than there ever has been, snooping is something that couples have done for eons. For example, they will check pockets before placing clothes into the washing machine. This act on its own is perfectly routine and sensible. But how many read bits of paper from their partner’s pockets and inspect other items rather than just put them to one side. Perhaps you can relate? Checking the numbers on phone bills is another common snoop. Again, the act in itself is perfectly innocent and quite normal. That’s until you become more interested in who’s calling who than checking the bill for accuracy.
If someone says they’re going over to a friend’s house for dinner after work, their partner may call them with some lame excuse. Perhaps they call to ask where the kitchen scissors are, or something similar. The real reason for the call, however, might be to check up on them. They want to make sure their partner is where they said they were going to be. Other subtle spying techniques could include:
- The closet inspection: looking for any sexy clothing the partner has never seen
- The mobile phone: checking call and message history
- Looking through coat pockets, wallets and purses (handbags) when partner isn’t around
- Phone apps for monitoring the partner’s location and communications (more recent)
The Moral Dilemma
Decent people struggle with the moral dilemma of snooping on their significant other. This is quite understandable for the most part, especially when it’s blatant spying. But then again, cheating is also immoral. Surely everyone has the right to know if their partner is being disloyal, don’t they? This is not to say that two wrongs make a right, but it’s certainly a point worth consideration. And anyways, those torn apart by suspicion and uncertainty care little about morality at the time. There is no price for peace of mind because without it there can be no real harmony in one’s life.
Anyone who is genuinely suspicious of their partner has three options:
- Decide to trust your partner and put all distrust behind you
- Confront the partner outright and accept whatever consequences come out of that
- Spy on them discreetly to get to the bottom of your fears once and for all
If you decide to do nothing about it, yet still have your doubts, then take heed. Distrust will only gnaw away at both your conscious and subconscious mind. This is something that will unsettle you and your relationship still further. After all, mutual trust is the foundation of all good relationships. Without trust, there can be no happiness going forward. This is just a sad fact of life.
Most people in modern society would agree that it’s not okay to spy on a partner, not under any circumstances. At least this is the view of those who have no cause to spy on their spouse. Those who have been cheated on in the past will have a different take. Women will often talk to their girlfriends about their suspicions and men with their mates. Everyone will have an opinion about what to do, or not to do, as everyone always does. But then it’s not their decision, it’s yours.
If you’re going to spy, perhaps it’s better to keep it between you and your conscience. Think of it this way: you talk to a close friend who has some experience with infidelity. You tell them you think (not know) your partner is cheating. You ask them for advice and they give it outright. They may say something like this:
“If I were you, I wouldn’t hesitate. I would spy on that MF to find out what the heck is going on.”
If everything backfires, who do you blame? Do you blame the blunder on your friend or yourself? There’s also the risk of gossip getting out, as gossip often does whenever people get to hear about the personal problems of others. If you’re going to spy, you have to become the detective, and that means playing your cards close to your chest. After all, this is your business and it’s better to keep it that way.
Spying Made Easy
If you have your suspicions to the point where you’re unhappy in the relationship, you need to take some form of action. What action you take is up to you. Your individual circumstances and level of suspicion will help to determine your course of action. If you decide to do a little detective work to put your mind at rest once and for all, then you’re in luck. There are all kinds of monitoring software applications that you can download to your partner’s phone. What these do is allow you to track their every activity. This not only includes all incoming and outgoing calls, but also their geographical location at any given time. Many would argue that this is totally immoral. Those who say such things, however, have most likely never suffered in a relationship that lacks in trust and open honesty.
There is no easy answer when it comes to snooping on a partner. Many of us do it all the time, albeit in a subtle, less obvious way. Some may not even view it as snooping but more of a little check every now and again, just to make sure. Whether you go for an all-out snoop is down to you, your gut and your situation. Only you know how you feel and how any mistrust is affecting your life on a daily basis. It is not the purpose of this article to try and sway your decision one way or the other. Just know that the tools and technology are now out there for spying discretely for anyone who wants them.
Over to you
Do you think it’s ok to snoop on your spouse?
Let us know through the comments section below